Saturday, February 20, 2010


Everyone knows that a guitar is a man's (or woman's) Freudian extension of phallic ambition, but what happens when you get into a personal relationship with your wooden (and metal) protraction? I personally have seven guitars (but only six dicks :/ ), none of which I've ever given a name to. But what about those rock stars that DO name their axes? Are certain names more manly than others? Let's review a few.

B.B. King & Lucille: Back in '49, during a performance in Arkansas, a fire broke out in the dance hall in which B.B. was playing. Not wanting to lose his first guitar, he saved it from disaster when he realized he'd left it inside the burning building! Outside, two men were fighting over a woman named Lucille, and B.B. realized that he'd never again do something as stupid as run back into a burning building or fight over a woman. Lucille has been the name of every one of his guitars since. I'd say it can't really get more manly than that.

Neil Young & Old Black: Neil obtained his '53 Gibson Les Paul (supposedly a highly customized & repainted Goldtop) in 1969 through a trade for a Gretsch with Jim Messina. Having used it on almost every electric recording since that time, it shows a certain dedication to one guitar only a dedicated man can have. Just like the dog that became your best friend growing up. Manly.

Yngwie Malmsteen & The Duck: This symphonic metal master plays a yellow Fender strat that features a Donald Duck sticker on the headstock. Shit. If you can parade around the world playing symphonic metal at lightning speeds with a wussy guitar, I ain't gonna argue with you. Frilly shirts? Lame. Leather pants? Pretty stupid. Yellow guitar with Donald Duck? Shit, if anything that's pretty punk. Yngwie just gained some respect in my book, whether he's a perceived asshole or not.

David Gilmour & Stratocaster #0001: Technically not a name, but should be. Pink Floyd's legendary guitarist owns the first Fender Strat to receive a serial number, and damn if that isn't something to boast about. It's like saying I've got the first official dick. And you don't. Pussy.

Bootsy Collins & The Space Bass: "OK I'm going to play funk and fly around on my bass in outerspace. No contest, fucking cool as shit."

Eddie Van Halen & The Frankenstein Strat: Being that EVH's main guitar used throughout the 70's & 80's was shlocked (read: meticulously crafted) together from various parts, it shows yet again that being able to customize your wang into a working electric instrument is pretty badass. Spandex and jumping no. Freak guitars yes.

A quick google search also provides one with potential guitar names such as Skull, Jimmy, Bob, Liza, and Balrog of Doom, all of which I can see being pretty fucking awesome no matter what the situation.

So there you have it, not only are guitars manly as crap, but taking it to that next level of personality is like going from Bill Bixby to Lou Ferrigno. No contest! Looks like I better name the shit out of my seven guitars, since I've already got six names for my dicks.

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