CAR BALLS OF THE WEEK: BIG THINGS MADE TINY

You may think the world revolves around you and your Car Balls, and you're right! The only thing cooler than a tiny pair of Balls hanging from your Car, would be a tiny version of New York lingering on your computer screen. Enjoy!

The Sandpit from Sam O'Hare on Vimeo.

WHAT DO YOU NAME A GUITAR?

Everyone knows that a guitar is a man's (or woman's) Freudian extension of phallic ambition, but what happens when you get into a personal relationship with your wooden (and metal) protraction? I personally have seven guitars (but only six dicks :/ ), none of which I've ever given a name to. But what about those rock stars that DO name their axes? Are certain names more manly than others? Let's review a few.

B.B. King & Lucille: Back in '49, during a performance in Arkansas, a fire broke out in the dance hall in which B.B. was playing. Not wanting to lose his first guitar, he saved it from disaster when he realized he'd left it inside the burning building! Outside, two men were fighting over a woman named Lucille, and B.B. realized that he'd never again do something as stupid as run back into a burning building or fight over a woman. Lucille has been the name of every one of his guitars since. I'd say it can't really get more manly than that.

Neil Young & Old Black: Neil obtained his '53 Gibson Les Paul (supposedly a highly customized & repainted Goldtop) in 1969 through a trade for a Gretsch with Jim Messina. Having used it on almost every electric recording since that time, it shows a certain dedication to one guitar only a dedicated man can have. Just like the dog that became your best friend growing up. Manly.

Yngwie Malmsteen & The Duck: This symphonic metal master plays a yellow Fender strat that features a Donald Duck sticker on the headstock. Shit. If you can parade around the world playing symphonic metal at lightning speeds with a wussy guitar, I ain't gonna argue with you. Frilly shirts? Lame. Leather pants? Pretty stupid. Yellow guitar with Donald Duck? Shit, if anything that's pretty punk. Yngwie just gained some respect in my book, whether he's a perceived asshole or not.

David Gilmour & Stratocaster #0001: Technically not a name, but should be. Pink Floyd's legendary guitarist owns the first Fender Strat to receive a serial number, and damn if that isn't something to boast about. It's like saying I've got the first official dick. And you don't. Pussy.

Bootsy Collins & The Space Bass: "OK I'm going to play funk and fly around on my bass in outerspace. No contest, fucking cool as shit."

Eddie Van Halen & The Frankenstein Strat: Being that EVH's main guitar used throughout the 70's & 80's was shlocked (read: meticulously crafted) together from various parts, it shows yet again that being able to customize your wang into a working electric instrument is pretty badass. Spandex and jumping no. Freak guitars yes.

A quick google search also provides one with potential guitar names such as Skull, Jimmy, Bob, Liza, and Balrog of Doom, all of which I can see being pretty fucking awesome no matter what the situation.

So there you have it, not only are guitars manly as crap, but taking it to that next level of personality is like going from Bill Bixby to Lou Ferrigno. No contest! Looks like I better name the shit out of my seven guitars, since I've already got six names for my dicks.

CAR BALLS OF THE WEEK: OBESE ENGLISH MEN

Eight in 10 English men 'will be too fat by 2020'

The 2010 Winter Olympics are officially underway, and a national obesity contest is something that we'd all be good at. Keep it up England- at this rate, you'll definitely out eat the world!

THE AVATAR OF CAT FOOD COMMERCIALS

Thanks @JamesCameron.

OLD SPICE MANMERCIAL

Let's face it, we all use Old Spice Fresh Deodorant, it is the official scent of our immature teenage years. There latest commercial only makes me want to smell even more like an immature man. Thanks for affirming my manhood Old Spice.

Colbert vs. Fallon

Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon have a great interview, with a surprise elevator ride that promises to keep you on end. Keep it coming!

TOP 10 CELEBS TOO IMPORTANT TO DRIVE A TOYOTA

Due to the recent recall of Toyota cars, we here at IKYCITB's are urging all celebrities who drive a Toyota... "PROTECT YOUR BALLS, SELL THAT TOYOTA!!" Here is our TOP 10 list of celebrities who need to find a new home for their balls:

10. Miley Cyrus: Now in stock...Hannah Montana Car Balls! (available in pink/black/blue)

9. Orlando Bloom: Why does Orlando park his car on his front lawn? To show off his Car Balls.

8. Adrian Grenier: On the next season of Entourage, Vince loses his entourage, and finds that he has just as much fun with only one of his Car Balls and 30 strippers.

7. Raven: Commemorative Raven Car Ball Earrings.

6. Ryan Reynolds: Did you see Van Wilder? Yeah me too. Car Balls.

5. Giovanni Ribisi: That man on the right, just waxed Giovanni's Car Balls and real balls.

4. Leonardo DiCaprio: Said a freezing Leo to his Car Balls, "Never Let Go!"

3. Larry David: A scary ceremony, the passing of the car, and the equipment that comes with it.

2. Cameron Diaz: There's Something About Cameron that makes me think her Car Balls are really Justin Timberlakes balls.

1. Keanu Reeves: Keanu has Matrix Car Balls, so as long as he can dodge cars like he can bullets, his balls will be just fine.

Car Balls Talk: The Podcast

Yesterday I made some pretty big promises about 2010. I lied.

Actually, that's wrong, for once in my life I spoke the truth. Being the narcissistic, pathological liar I am, we're proud to announce the first episode of CAR BALLS TALK. We've got some discussions, some comedy, and as the world works these days, some commercials (they're products we strongly believe in, seriously). In the near future we'll be covering topics such as cars, balls, car balls, the local NY comedy scene, stand-up, cars, improv, car balls, and whatever else comes to mind. HEY! You can listen RIGHT NOW.

You can subscribe to our RSS feed here:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/CarBallsTalk

And we've also submitted this mofo to iTunes so you should be able to subscribe to our gross voices there pretty soon too. (UPDATE: now available!)

Episode 101 features the voice talent of Gaby Gold, Willy Appelman and Mike TM. Music by Beck via Dr. Lonnie Smith, A Tribe Called Quest, Esquivel, The Bug and Interspace Recording Division.

2010. A motherfucker of a kick in the car balls.

Good things in 2010

Hey guys, I just got word that IKYCITB was not only nominated but won the Trappy for Best New Blog of 2009. Hats off to Shelby Cobras at Illogical Contraption for making a couple comedians feel like Mariah Carey at the the 1991 Grammys. You don't have to watch this, but it will remind you how awesome Vanilla Ice was in 1991.



So with that we've got some great things planned for this year, some of which we're currently working on and some of which WE HAVEN'T EVEN THOUGHT UP YET THAT'S HOW AWESOME 2010 IS GONNA BE.

The Polar Opposite of Car Balls

Cars. Balls. Cars with balls? Naturally. So what's the direct inverse of such a genius invention?

A custom license plate that reads SON LESS?

This chunk of kryptonite scathed my balls (eye balls) on my drive to Car Balls HQ on Monday morning, and my first thought was "DAMN lady, way to bring us all down about your inability to reproduce. Grow some BALLS!"

Then, after hours of intense meditation, it dawned on me that this woman probably lost her son in The War recently, and felt it necessary to commemorate his existence by proclaiming to all driving behind her that she is now less-one-son. Or two maybe, I didn't get a chance to interview her. Whatever the case, we here at IKYCITB salute you, SON LESS lady, for finding the polar opposite of car balls, and showing that sometimes shit can get real.

I think my car balls just retracted up into my car body.

CARS BALLS LIVE: News Worthy Of Balls

Several white men scared a groundhog back into hibernation today, symbolizing another six weeks of winter. Said the groundhog, "You wake me up again...I'm gonna give you six weeks of rabies."