Just Add Balls

There's nothing like a warm greeting from another blog about balls to shine your turnip on a cold winter day. I don't know what that means, but check out this other blog our good friend Jon Pack (one half of Rue Brutalia) just linked to on Facebook.

Just. Add. Balls.

Happy Holiballs, Assholes!

Hey shit bag heads, no fucking apologies here for not posting a bunch of useless crap in the past who the hell gives a fuck.

Here's a great stock photo of Santa's balls.

Thanksgiving Car Balls

Here at IKYC we love Eating, Turkey and Eating Turkey. That's why Thanksgiving is such a great time to thank your car balls for everything that they have done for you. Not only have they attracted many curious onlookers, but they have also declared who you are to most of the world. You're a turkey loving, gun slinging Car Balls lover and we salute you. Now go eat some meat!

Product of the Week: BRA GAS MASK

It's not easy to escape a nuclear attack, but this Bra Gas Mask may be a step in the right direction.

And for men? Jock Gas Masks? Coming soon.

check out my new iPod

Car balls sightings of the week

Yes, sightingS. Two within one week, an ideal number.

The first pair was spotted on LIE 495 on Sunday. I managed to snap a couple crappy phone shots while swerving through traffic following this guy.

"I'm just trying to take a picture of your balls!"

The second came in moments ago from our lady on the street, Ms. Flying Buttress of Death Metal herself, Darth Bean.

"I'm also just trying to take a picture of your balls, but obviously with a phone that has a higher megapixel count while driving with regards to safety."

Deep Traffic @ Magnet Theater 8.31 8pm

Go to this!

CAR BALLS OF THE WEEK: GUN SLINGING MURDER MONKEYS

This week U.S. scientists said that it would be impossible for the Taliban to train monkeys to shoot machine guns. Thank you scientists for this realistic information that proves Zoo's were wrong in posting signs that read, "Please Do Not Give The Monkey's Machine Guns". The idea of Gun Slinging Murder Monkeys still gets our Car Balls nod, because in a perfect world, if monkey could use guns, we'd all be much safer.

Nice TV / It Is It

"Yeah, that looks pretty good."



On a related note, This Guy (Willy Appelman) will be doing his last performance with It Is It tonight at Piano's in NYC. Get there if you can, it "Willy" be a great show!

An exciting day in IKYCITB history

Well dear readers the day has finally come. I've said numerous times that since we started this blog, the prominence of Car Balls in the world of today had seemed to have declined...drastically. I had hardly, if even ONCE, seen an actual pair of "danglers" from below a bumper. Now I know there is a fair level of sarcasm inherent in this site, but I think, for serious, for absolute realiousness, forever, I have been converted. CarBallz4Lyfe.

My morning started as it always does – I had kissed my beautiful wife on her beautiful sleeping cheek, I had poured a the precisely measured amount of food into our dog's dish, and I had saluted the American Flag 50 times for all our glorious 50 states. Then, after donning my ceremonial American Flag robe around my nude body, ran 50 laps around our complex singing "God Bless America," to work off the 3700 calorie breakfast I, AS ALWAYS, ingested just moments before. By then it was 6:30, and the time had come to get into my Ford F-200, truck nutz included, and drive to my job at the construction site.

But LO AND BEHOLD what did I see?


ANOTHER TRUCK, SPORTING A GLORIOUS PAIR OF BALLS BELOW THE CHASSIS. I had to get closer, take a better look...

Who was this man leaving from the same complex as I? What was his name? When can we hang out at my favorite bar and drink Bud and eat Cheeseburgers the AMERICAN WAY?!


Closer and closer I drew...was this it? Could this be the one?!?!?!


Praise the Lord for I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed...BY THE HOLY GRAIL OF CAR BALLS.

End of blog, end of internet, good bye, it was nice knowing you all. Thank you all for the wonderful times we've shared, I look forward to seeing you all again in the afterlife.

GUITARS PART II

A quick follow up to the "What Do You Name A Guitar" post, I just came across these basses which not only look BADASS, but incorporate an important part of the male anatomy into what we already know as a phallic extension of musicianship: The Balls.

MAN ARRESTED FOR MONKEYS IN HIS PANTS

You know when you're in a hurry to catch a plane and the TSA pulls you over for a full body search? Don't you hate it when they find 18 endangered monkeys in your pants?! Yeah, me too. Monkey Balls.

Nice new camera!

Is that Geordi LaForge?

Trout'd

A weekend on the waters can only be improved upon with one thing...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THAT GUY!

On this special July day, a very special Michael was birthed to the earth. He wasn't the star of a 1996 movie about an Archangel and he didn't sing or dance when he exited the womb, he immediately BALLZ'D his doctor (no joke). Happpy Birthday Mr. That Guy! This is the closest IKYCITB could come to throwing you a party.

Happy Birthday To This Guy

Willy,

Thanks for being the only guy man enough to hang balls on the inside of your car.

Thanks for posting more often than I do. Thanks for keeping up with the comedy on a daily basis. Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to you.

BALLZ'D

Here's a thing. Do something with it.


Disclaimer: We do not support or endorse anything Mel Gibson has said or done in the past 10 years.

A Tribute

Never too late to say goodbye to a loved one. I had a dream that I was able to sit in on a Tim and Eric brainstorming session, and this was the one idea Richard had to bring to the table...T&E didn't think it was that funny.

Richard, thanks for invading my dreams and everything you've done to improve mankind with laughter.

www.actorricharddunn.com

weluvricharddunn.com

TOUGH POST OF THE WEEK

Being Bruce Willis isn't easy, making a montage of him looking tough is. Happy Birthday America! ( via Daily What)

Bruce Willis from wreckandsalvage on Vimeo.

PHONE ACCESSORY OF THE WEEK

If you don't own a car, here's the next best thing. ( via Buzzfeed)

SIGN OF THE WEEK

Barack Obama is our President, and that makes a lot of people happy, including the remaining "rebels" down South. These are people who crack a bud heavy on a Tuesday afternoon while sitting in the back of their Ford truck while their Car Balls hang in the air like a confederate flag with Barry Obama's face on it. These are reformed rebels, they aren't racist, they are "race conscious" (a less obvious form a racism). Giggle at their flags and give their Car Balls a love tap for us.

(Via Daily What)

CAR ACCESSORY OF THE WEEK

Why not add a hand gesture to the back of your car, it will most certainly clarify the status of your Car Balls.

CARS THAT NEED BALLS

If these cars don't have balls, then no car should have them.

Pig's In A Blanket

I wonder what else Pigs can breed with, humans?

GETTING STARTED WITH GRAFFITI

Folks, people don't graffiti enough. Graffiti can be pretty pointless sometimes, but other times, it can bend reality. Here are 3 short steps to getting started with graffiti and what your first projects should be.

1. Buy your spray paint at a conveniently placed Graffiti Vending Machine.

2. Create something that might make someone question whether there really is a truck coming

out of a cartoon bears mouth.

3. Make graffiti that people might associate with: "Plug it in, Plug it in."

Text Of The Week: 1992 Nissan Maxima

From Tom C: "Just saw some car balls on a 1992 Nissan Maxima. It's almost like spotting a tranny hooker. Somethings just shouldn't have balls."

Some things should not have car balls, and we here are IKYCITB agree that a 1992 Nissan Maxima is one of them. Unfortunately, we are not the controller of Car Balls (yet), so if you see this car with Car Balls, be sure to give them a good Kick for us.

An Important Lesson

Sometimes, it's the larger things in life that make it worth living.

CAR BALLS OF THE WEEK: JOE BIDEN

After introducing President Obama during Tuesday’s Health Care ceremony, Vice President Joe Biden privately told the President, “This is a big f------ deal!” Since then, Biden's comment has become a Big F*ckin Deal over the Internet. Here is the latest in Biden's BFD Campaign.

(Thanks Buzzfeed)

SHOUT OUT! VERMONT

Vermont is amazing. It is known for Ben & Jerry's, amazing foliage and Maple Syrup. Everyone wonders where VT gets its delicious Maple Syrup from and I think this sign answers that question perfectly.

Car Balls Talk: The Podcast: The Second Nut

Fart - Quotable - Penis - They seem harmless but are not - all words which properly sum up the un-sum-upable RUE BRUTALIA (Jon Pack and Jason Kalter), whom we were fortunate enough to sit down with and interview for our second* installment of Car Balls Talk. Hang in there cuz this is gonna be a long and brutal ride down the road to comedy history.

Car Balls Talk in iTunes.

Rue Brutalia on Facebook
Rue Brutalia Youtube
Rue Brutalia Myspace
Rue Brutalia @ FunnyOrDie.com

Jon just gave me word that RUE BRUTALIA will be performing on April 1 at the People's Improv Theater in NYC at 7pm. Come check it out for a good...nay, HILARIOUS time!

*It would be sublimely fitting if this was not only the second but also the last episode in Car Balls Talk history...but being that there are two of us working here at IKYCITB, each with a proper sack, there will be at least FOUR episodes of Car Balls Talk. Probably.

WANTED: Race Car Balls

The only thing that would make Jon Glaser’s Toyota race car even better would be Race Car Balls hanging off the back bumper. He may be hiding his face, but exposed Race Car Balls are something every race car would benefit from. Not only would Race Car Balls be gobbled up by every Nascar fan, they would also make drivers faster and braver. Ain't nothin' like driving 100 miles per hour with your Car Balls inches from concrete!

Go here.

CAR BALLS OF THE WEEK: DIE HARDLY WORKING

Don't get me wrong- I love Die Hard, but I might love College Humor's version a little more. CH takes the best parts of the movie, explosions, guts and blood and uses it in this epic scene. The only thing missing is a shirtless Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman playing a terrorist.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

NEIL HAMBURGER IS OUR MAN OF THE HOUR

Neil Hamburger is genius. Neil, we commend you on your wonderful contributions to the world of comedy. Thank you for all you've done, and all you will do. Let's hear it for NEIIIIIIIIL HAMBURGERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Making dogs laugh.

Singing about 7-11.


Chivalry at its finest.

CAR BALLS OF THE WEEK: DAVE CHAPPELLE

Dave Chappelle has been out of the spotlight for a few years now and we here at IKYCITB miss him dearly. Watch as Dave talks about his time on hiatus and his reaction to 'The Secret'.

FOD: Barack Obama's Nightmare

An amazing compilation of SNL presidents, we can thank past U.S. Presidents for the situation we are currently in and for this hilarious video.

Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion from Will Ferrell

CAR BALLS OF THE WEEK: BIG THINGS MADE TINY

You may think the world revolves around you and your Car Balls, and you're right! The only thing cooler than a tiny pair of Balls hanging from your Car, would be a tiny version of New York lingering on your computer screen. Enjoy!

The Sandpit from Sam O'Hare on Vimeo.

WHAT DO YOU NAME A GUITAR?

Everyone knows that a guitar is a man's (or woman's) Freudian extension of phallic ambition, but what happens when you get into a personal relationship with your wooden (and metal) protraction? I personally have seven guitars (but only six dicks :/ ), none of which I've ever given a name to. But what about those rock stars that DO name their axes? Are certain names more manly than others? Let's review a few.

B.B. King & Lucille: Back in '49, during a performance in Arkansas, a fire broke out in the dance hall in which B.B. was playing. Not wanting to lose his first guitar, he saved it from disaster when he realized he'd left it inside the burning building! Outside, two men were fighting over a woman named Lucille, and B.B. realized that he'd never again do something as stupid as run back into a burning building or fight over a woman. Lucille has been the name of every one of his guitars since. I'd say it can't really get more manly than that.

Neil Young & Old Black: Neil obtained his '53 Gibson Les Paul (supposedly a highly customized & repainted Goldtop) in 1969 through a trade for a Gretsch with Jim Messina. Having used it on almost every electric recording since that time, it shows a certain dedication to one guitar only a dedicated man can have. Just like the dog that became your best friend growing up. Manly.

Yngwie Malmsteen & The Duck: This symphonic metal master plays a yellow Fender strat that features a Donald Duck sticker on the headstock. Shit. If you can parade around the world playing symphonic metal at lightning speeds with a wussy guitar, I ain't gonna argue with you. Frilly shirts? Lame. Leather pants? Pretty stupid. Yellow guitar with Donald Duck? Shit, if anything that's pretty punk. Yngwie just gained some respect in my book, whether he's a perceived asshole or not.

David Gilmour & Stratocaster #0001: Technically not a name, but should be. Pink Floyd's legendary guitarist owns the first Fender Strat to receive a serial number, and damn if that isn't something to boast about. It's like saying I've got the first official dick. And you don't. Pussy.

Bootsy Collins & The Space Bass: "OK I'm going to play funk and fly around on my bass in outerspace. No contest, fucking cool as shit."

Eddie Van Halen & The Frankenstein Strat: Being that EVH's main guitar used throughout the 70's & 80's was shlocked (read: meticulously crafted) together from various parts, it shows yet again that being able to customize your wang into a working electric instrument is pretty badass. Spandex and jumping no. Freak guitars yes.

A quick google search also provides one with potential guitar names such as Skull, Jimmy, Bob, Liza, and Balrog of Doom, all of which I can see being pretty fucking awesome no matter what the situation.

So there you have it, not only are guitars manly as crap, but taking it to that next level of personality is like going from Bill Bixby to Lou Ferrigno. No contest! Looks like I better name the shit out of my seven guitars, since I've already got six names for my dicks.

CAR BALLS OF THE WEEK: OBESE ENGLISH MEN

Eight in 10 English men 'will be too fat by 2020'

The 2010 Winter Olympics are officially underway, and a national obesity contest is something that we'd all be good at. Keep it up England- at this rate, you'll definitely out eat the world!

THE AVATAR OF CAT FOOD COMMERCIALS

Thanks @JamesCameron.

OLD SPICE MANMERCIAL

Let's face it, we all use Old Spice Fresh Deodorant, it is the official scent of our immature teenage years. There latest commercial only makes me want to smell even more like an immature man. Thanks for affirming my manhood Old Spice.

Colbert vs. Fallon

Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon have a great interview, with a surprise elevator ride that promises to keep you on end. Keep it coming!

TOP 10 CELEBS TOO IMPORTANT TO DRIVE A TOYOTA

Due to the recent recall of Toyota cars, we here at IKYCITB's are urging all celebrities who drive a Toyota... "PROTECT YOUR BALLS, SELL THAT TOYOTA!!" Here is our TOP 10 list of celebrities who need to find a new home for their balls:

10. Miley Cyrus: Now in stock...Hannah Montana Car Balls! (available in pink/black/blue)

9. Orlando Bloom: Why does Orlando park his car on his front lawn? To show off his Car Balls.

8. Adrian Grenier: On the next season of Entourage, Vince loses his entourage, and finds that he has just as much fun with only one of his Car Balls and 30 strippers.

7. Raven: Commemorative Raven Car Ball Earrings.

6. Ryan Reynolds: Did you see Van Wilder? Yeah me too. Car Balls.

5. Giovanni Ribisi: That man on the right, just waxed Giovanni's Car Balls and real balls.

4. Leonardo DiCaprio: Said a freezing Leo to his Car Balls, "Never Let Go!"

3. Larry David: A scary ceremony, the passing of the car, and the equipment that comes with it.

2. Cameron Diaz: There's Something About Cameron that makes me think her Car Balls are really Justin Timberlakes balls.

1. Keanu Reeves: Keanu has Matrix Car Balls, so as long as he can dodge cars like he can bullets, his balls will be just fine.